Post by Itsatushy on Feb 15, 2010 18:08:07 GMT -8
QUESTION: How can you tell when you've played far too much recreational paintball?
ANSWER: When you're hit with something tossed at you and your immediate response is to yell, "Bounce! No break!".
QUESTION: How can you tell when you've played far too much tournament paintball?
ANSWER: When you toss something to someone, and it hits them, your immediate response is to yell "Check him, check him, check him . . ." .
This guy had to have a brain transplant, and he told the doctor that money was no object and that he wanted the best brain available.
"Okay," the doctor said, "We have a heart surgeon's brain for ten thousand dollars, a nuclear scientist's brain for one hundred thousand dollars and a professional paintball referree's brain for one million dollars."
The patient was dumbfounded, "Why is the professional paintball referree's brain worth more than surgeon's or scientist's?"
The doctor replied, "The professional paintball referree's brain has never been used."
QUESTION: How can you tell the difference between a tournament ref and a normal person, when they're lying dead on the road?
ANSWER: The normal person has the skid marks BEFORE the body.
A very famous and successful tournament team captain, who was also known for being "less than ethical" when he played, was asked what he did with his tens of thousands of dollars worth of prize money. He remarked that he kept it in a paper bag in the attic, so when he dies, as he was passing up to heaven, he could grab the bag and take it with him on the way.
A referee remarked, "I've seen you play, don't you think it would be better if you put it in a fire-proof box and kept it in the basement?"
QUESTION: What's the difference between a tournament ref and an onion?
ANSWER: Nobody cries when you cut up the ref.
QUESTION: What's the difference between an Ultimate Judge and God?
ANSWER: God doesn't think He's an Ultimate Judge.
This new player shows up at the field. While walking out to the first game of the day, a ref notices that the new player has a little dog following him. The ref asks the player if the dog is his, the player answers that it is his dog.
"You can't take that dog on the field." The ref says.
"I have to take him, he's my 'gallery'." the player says, matter- of- factly.
The ref asks the player to explain. The player tells him that every time he eliminates an opposing player, the dog sits up on his haunches and applauds. Dumbfounded, the ref allows the player on the field with the dog.
Well, the ref doesn't believe this story for a minute, so he follows the new player around during the first game. Soon the new player eliminates somebody and lo and behold, the dog sits up on its haunches and applauds!
"What happens when YOU get eliminated," The ref asks, "What does your dog do then?"
"Cartwheels." The player says.
The ref asks, "Cartwheels? How many?"
The player looks at the dog and says, "I dunno, it depends on how hard I kick him."
NOTE:
This joke takes a little setting up. First you have to have someone who is bragging or denying some aspect of his skill. The player in question will be designated as the [victim] and you can substitute the activity [mentioned like this]. Read and have fun. Once you read the joke, I'm sure you'll understand what I mean.]
--The set up: The [victim] is bragging about how he always has a perfect game and how he never does "stupid newbie mistakes" any more. You say . . .
. . . Funny you should mention that. I was having a routine operation and something went wrong and I floated away from my body. When I got to the Pearly Gates of Heaven St Peter looked at his book and told me that I was too early and that they would be bringing me back soon. "But," he said, "seeing how you're here, we'll give you the orientation tour, and that'll save time when you are really supposed to come here."
We saw many wonders, but the one I remember is the room full of clocks. St. Peter called it the "Paintball Performance Monitoring Room". He explained that every time a player [does something really stupid] during a game, the clock goes around once. I saw every body's clock, except one.
I asked St. Peter, "Where is [victim]'s clock?"
He looked at me and said, "Oh, it's in the lobby--we use it for a fan."
A amateur tourney team was looking for sponsors, they came up with, that they thought, was a novel idea for the letter format.
"Dear Pro$pective $ponsoring Company;
We are a $mall but $ucce$$ful team. We have been looking for $pon$or$. There'$ really not a whole lot of thing$ we can think of that we need de$perately. We are winning lot$ of tournament$ and are really bu$y.
When you have the time, plea$e $end u$ a note $aying what you can $end u$ in the way of $pon$or$hip.
$incerely,
$uper $nake$"
A week later....a letter from 'THE COMPANY'
Dear Stupid Snakes;
We kNOw that amateur tournaments are NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurable and successful team busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never play eNOugh.
Good Luck for NOw
The Company
A man comes to a local paintball field, asking how he can play for free. The field owner says, "Get me a sheep, and you can play for free, for the rest of your life." The player didn't want to know why the owner wanted a sheep, but if it would get him free play for life, he didn't really care.
Next door to the field was a huge sheep ranch, so the player went there. He met the shepherd in the field, tending his flock. "Those are nice sheep," the player stated.
"They should be," the shepherd said, "they're worth $5,000.00 a head."
The player was amazed, undaunted, he wanted to get a sheep, but what was the sense of paying five grand to play for free? "I tell you what," the player suggested, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd agreed and the player made his guess, "Four hundred and forty-three." The farmer was amazed, that's exactly how many sheep he had in this particular pasture. The player went into the flock to collect his prize.
The farmer stopped him and said, "If I can guess what you do, will you give me back the sheep?" The player agreed, to which the farmer proudly stated, "You're a professional Paintball tournament player."
"You're right," said the player, "How'd you know?"
To which the farmer replied, "Put the dog down and I'll tell you."
QUESTION: Why do tournament players say "Check him, check him . . ."?
ANSWER: Because "I hit that guy on the loader" has too many syllables.
ANSWER: When you're hit with something tossed at you and your immediate response is to yell, "Bounce! No break!".
_____________________ ;D____________________
QUESTION: How can you tell when you've played far too much tournament paintball?
ANSWER: When you toss something to someone, and it hits them, your immediate response is to yell "Check him, check him, check him . . ." .
_____________________ ;D____________________
This guy had to have a brain transplant, and he told the doctor that money was no object and that he wanted the best brain available.
"Okay," the doctor said, "We have a heart surgeon's brain for ten thousand dollars, a nuclear scientist's brain for one hundred thousand dollars and a professional paintball referree's brain for one million dollars."
The patient was dumbfounded, "Why is the professional paintball referree's brain worth more than surgeon's or scientist's?"
The doctor replied, "The professional paintball referree's brain has never been used."
_____________________ ;D____________________
QUESTION: How can you tell the difference between a tournament ref and a normal person, when they're lying dead on the road?
ANSWER: The normal person has the skid marks BEFORE the body.
_____________________ ;D____________________
A very famous and successful tournament team captain, who was also known for being "less than ethical" when he played, was asked what he did with his tens of thousands of dollars worth of prize money. He remarked that he kept it in a paper bag in the attic, so when he dies, as he was passing up to heaven, he could grab the bag and take it with him on the way.
A referee remarked, "I've seen you play, don't you think it would be better if you put it in a fire-proof box and kept it in the basement?"
_____________________ ;D____________________
QUESTION: What's the difference between a tournament ref and an onion?
ANSWER: Nobody cries when you cut up the ref.
_____________________ ;D____________________
QUESTION: What's the difference between an Ultimate Judge and God?
ANSWER: God doesn't think He's an Ultimate Judge.
_____________________ ;D____________________
This new player shows up at the field. While walking out to the first game of the day, a ref notices that the new player has a little dog following him. The ref asks the player if the dog is his, the player answers that it is his dog.
"You can't take that dog on the field." The ref says.
"I have to take him, he's my 'gallery'." the player says, matter- of- factly.
The ref asks the player to explain. The player tells him that every time he eliminates an opposing player, the dog sits up on his haunches and applauds. Dumbfounded, the ref allows the player on the field with the dog.
Well, the ref doesn't believe this story for a minute, so he follows the new player around during the first game. Soon the new player eliminates somebody and lo and behold, the dog sits up on its haunches and applauds!
"What happens when YOU get eliminated," The ref asks, "What does your dog do then?"
"Cartwheels." The player says.
The ref asks, "Cartwheels? How many?"
The player looks at the dog and says, "I dunno, it depends on how hard I kick him."
_____________________ ;D____________________
NOTE:
This joke takes a little setting up. First you have to have someone who is bragging or denying some aspect of his skill. The player in question will be designated as the [victim] and you can substitute the activity [mentioned like this]. Read and have fun. Once you read the joke, I'm sure you'll understand what I mean.]
--The set up: The [victim] is bragging about how he always has a perfect game and how he never does "stupid newbie mistakes" any more. You say . . .
. . . Funny you should mention that. I was having a routine operation and something went wrong and I floated away from my body. When I got to the Pearly Gates of Heaven St Peter looked at his book and told me that I was too early and that they would be bringing me back soon. "But," he said, "seeing how you're here, we'll give you the orientation tour, and that'll save time when you are really supposed to come here."
We saw many wonders, but the one I remember is the room full of clocks. St. Peter called it the "Paintball Performance Monitoring Room". He explained that every time a player [does something really stupid] during a game, the clock goes around once. I saw every body's clock, except one.
I asked St. Peter, "Where is [victim]'s clock?"
He looked at me and said, "Oh, it's in the lobby--we use it for a fan."
_____________________ ;D____________________
A amateur tourney team was looking for sponsors, they came up with, that they thought, was a novel idea for the letter format.
"Dear Pro$pective $ponsoring Company;
We are a $mall but $ucce$$ful team. We have been looking for $pon$or$. There'$ really not a whole lot of thing$ we can think of that we need de$perately. We are winning lot$ of tournament$ and are really bu$y.
When you have the time, plea$e $end u$ a note $aying what you can $end u$ in the way of $pon$or$hip.
$incerely,
$uper $nake$"
A week later....a letter from 'THE COMPANY'
Dear Stupid Snakes;
We kNOw that amateur tournaments are NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurable and successful team busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never play eNOugh.
Good Luck for NOw
The Company
_____________________ ;D____________________
A man comes to a local paintball field, asking how he can play for free. The field owner says, "Get me a sheep, and you can play for free, for the rest of your life." The player didn't want to know why the owner wanted a sheep, but if it would get him free play for life, he didn't really care.
Next door to the field was a huge sheep ranch, so the player went there. He met the shepherd in the field, tending his flock. "Those are nice sheep," the player stated.
"They should be," the shepherd said, "they're worth $5,000.00 a head."
The player was amazed, undaunted, he wanted to get a sheep, but what was the sense of paying five grand to play for free? "I tell you what," the player suggested, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd agreed and the player made his guess, "Four hundred and forty-three." The farmer was amazed, that's exactly how many sheep he had in this particular pasture. The player went into the flock to collect his prize.
The farmer stopped him and said, "If I can guess what you do, will you give me back the sheep?" The player agreed, to which the farmer proudly stated, "You're a professional Paintball tournament player."
"You're right," said the player, "How'd you know?"
To which the farmer replied, "Put the dog down and I'll tell you."
_____________________ ;D____________________
QUESTION: Why do tournament players say "Check him, check him . . ."?
ANSWER: Because "I hit that guy on the loader" has too many syllables.